The Mall Survival Guide

     The Holidays have come and gone. Bringing joy to many, children are happier than they will be until, well, next Christmas. Recently, my older sister dragged me out to the city to get presents for the family. Now I don't know about you, but I hate going to town. Chances are if I have to buy anything that's not edible, I can get it from Amazon. But, alas, I went anyway, while at the mall in a Barnes & Noble store, I happened upon a couple survival guides, from urban and wilderness guides to desert and ocean guides.

     Then the thought came to me....."Why is there no mall survival guide? Especially when there's holidays like Black Friday?" My mind began to race with Ideas, tips and tricks on how to survive Sam's Club when about ninety people have to stop at the free sample stands because they're gonna starve to death between isles four and seven, or at the mall when people just abruptly stop in the middle of a walk way to take the proverbial "Selfie". Like, "Can't you see other people walking here?" I think from that alone, you get the idea of how much I hate urban environments.

     So here it is, the how to guide on surviving the mall when the wife, daughter, son, brother, sister, mom or dad.....drag you to the depths of millennialland.

Part One: Avoiding the "Buy three get the fourth one free" Discount

     We've all been there at some point or another, including me for sure. I can not begin to tell you how many times I've been suckered into buying three or four of the same shirt because "Oh but it's on sale" No, Riley, it's not, you now just have four of the same shirt, when you're only going to be wearing one of them. To avoid this, make sure you know what you'll be getting ahead of time, research, plan, execute. Get in and get out as quickly as possible.

Part Two: Avoiding signing up for various rewards and credit programs

    Now this one I am not guilty of. But I know a few people who have come to deeply regret this decision. What's the worst that could happen? I won't use the credit card, I just want this one time, VIP discount. Next thing you know, you're $13,457.99 in the hole and trying to figure out how to sell a kidney on the black market. I still believe that getting more than one credit card, for anything other than emergencies and responsible credit building, is a poor decision, but that's just me, and I've been wrong. Credit cards do have their uses. So here's how to avoid it. When walking into the store, reply to every employees question with a firm but polite "No". They will get the message that you're not interested, and leave you to go about your business.

Part Three: Food court and random Selfies

     This part is the one that frustrates me to no end. When people just abruptly stop out of no where for some reason. I find that younger folks (around my age) do this the most. It's just blatantly rude. The food court is the worst location for this. The easiest way around this would be to avoid the area all together, but when the family is hungry, duty calls! Find a table far away, scout the area before sitting down. Send out a family member to order the food (if available). Make sure to bring a laptop or a phone, preferably with hot spot capability because this op may take awhile. I try to bring my own snacks to eat to avoid the super greasy fast food.

Part Four: EXFIL

     After lunch, if frustration has caught up with you, it's time to pull the plug. If you made it this far, then you probably have a method of escape. Start er' up, and peel outta there like the place is burning down around you. Once you're on the road, take a sigh of relief because it's finally over.....until next time.

I wanted to have pictures with this post but could not bring myself to go to the mall again.

Hope you guys enjoyed the read, and Happy Holidays.

If y'all would like, I started a Notes of the Nomad Facebook page that you can follow for all updates to the blog.

Good luck and stay safe out there.


  1. Nicely done. I enjoyed reading this.

  2. And yes, I actually laughed.

    Nicely done son.

  3. Hey man I enjoy the read. Nice work. And don't worry about the writer's block. It comes and it goes...

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. I honestly can't stand going out in public with my mom and grandma. They either always fight, or they make fun of people. Because of that, I loathe the idea of going out with them. Id rather stay home with Rocco.
    Loved this, Riley. I'll definitely use the "knowing what you've gotta get and skidoo TF outta there" one.


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